Don’t feel so good.
I was perusing one of my magic books this evening when a sudden thought hit me. See until now I always envisioned that I would eventually work in magic or some other performance art as a line of work later in life and make a success of it. I had always imagined that my magic – which I work tirelessly at every day – would be the key to get me there, and therefore the hours that I spend in solitude working on my magic was very much worth it. Then it hit me, what if I actually don’t have any sort of talent in magic. What if all the effort I’m throwing into this is being thrown into an endless pit that will amount to nothing at all? What if I’m just here as a sad individual learning magic tricks while others are progressing with their lives and evolving as individuals?
I know that presupposes delusional fantasies of being wildly successful with magic, however this is something I’ve felt so strongly about since the age of 12. Even though it’s hard to admit on a semi-public forum – the thought of not making it in some way, shape, or form in my chosen art of magic scares the hell out of me.
Some days I think to myself that even though I’m not doing much the amount I am doing is wonderful and are achievements that need to be celebrated. Some days – days/evenings like tonight – I think to myself that it’s possible that I’m wasting the most valuable and energetic years of my life and probably should be doing other things.
I don’t know. It’s just how I feel – I don’t want pity, I don’t want messages of solace, I just want to record how I feel on this evening in the hopes that it offers a form of catharsis and that maybe one day I can look back on this and admit to myself how foolish my train of thought was. Or not.
Argh. I hate random depressive bouts like this. Frustrating as hell.